Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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