And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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