I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
