I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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