woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
