the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
