Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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