Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
