so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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