I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
