So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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