if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
