I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
he puts the penis in happiness.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
