I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
