if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
