I can tuck mytits in my pants
I accidentally burped into my bong.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
