My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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