just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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