Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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