Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
