Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
