there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
