On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
