im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Come see our sink grown plant.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
