Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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