im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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