Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
