Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
