Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Damn victory sex feels great
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
