i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
