did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
