just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
