I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
