I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
