I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
