so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
