i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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