Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
