I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
