I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
