you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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