Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
