I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
a search helicopter?!
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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