he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
