Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
