I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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