so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He has the fingertips of a God
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
