i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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