I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
