Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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