Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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