I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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