I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
