Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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